it hurts so much
by Blues
Summary: Hisoka is having problems. to protect his lover he has to endure Murali's torture. how long can he take it, and how long can his and tsuzuki's relationship take it. rape, violence, yaoi Hisoka+Tsuzuki Hisoka+Muraki


**IT HURTS SO MUCH.**

It hurts so much, and he is never gentle. He is angry and aggressive because he is with me instead of the one he loves. He is letting his anger out on me, but I don't care… as long as he comes to me in the night, it means that he is leaving Tsuzuki alone.

The days when he makes passes at Tsuzuki but is rejected, he is extremely violent when he rapes me. He wants Tsuzuki to love him, and I know he will try everything he can think of to win his heart. 

Sometimes when I speak with Tsuzuki he tells me about Muraki's harassment, and I know that it will be a rough night. Normally Muraki will just violate me and leave, but the days when Muraki seeks Tsuzuki out without luck he will punish me mercilessly. He knows that his beloved one is in love with me. 

Muraki comes to me for many reasons. I am his favourite toy, and when he can't have Tsuzuki, I am second best. And since I am the one Tsuzuki loves Muraki wants me too. Everything Tsuzuki wants Muraki wants too. He knows that I hate it, and the pain he inflicts upon me is my punishment for stealing Tsuzuki's love. And he knows that after being raped by him, I will never go to Tsuzuki. It is one of his methods to draw us apart.

I long for my partner, we have been living together for quite some time, and he doesn't understand why I don't want to sleep in his bed at night. But every time he tries to talk about it I become bitter and tell him off. Poor Tsuzuki – it can't be easy to live with me. Always in a sad mood, and he can never know why. I hope he doesn't think I am sad because of him. 

It is so humiliating – and it is every night. No exceptions. He violates me in my own room, in my own bed, Tsuzuki's room is right across the hall. I burrow my head in the pillow and try not to scream. I don't want Tsuzuki to hear me. And when Muraki leaves I want to go to Tsuzuki and melt into his embrace and hear his comforting words, but I know I would start crying and tell him everything. 

Muraki is in love with Tsuzuki, and he doesn't want to rape him, he wont hurt his love. But he is getting impatient, Tsuzuki is not giving in to Muraki, and I can feel that he is angrier than he was in the beginning. 

I know I cannot fight him; he will never let me get a happy relationship with Tsuzuki. I cry as I think about it... Sometimes I am still crying when Tsuzuki comes to wake me up in the morning.

Muraki left about half an hour ago. My body is still on fire; the curse he wrote on my body is glowing. I want to call Tsuzuki, I want him to come, but even if I scream, he will think I am having a nightmare and he wont dare to come, because I always start yelling at him when he comes to my room, even though I feel warm inside when I see him. I know that as long as Tsuzuki is in love with me, Muraki will keep on ruining my life. I can't help it, I hate Tsuzuki for the pain Muraki makes me feel. But still, I love my partner and I will bear my sufferings patiently to protect my love.

I startle myself, I am crying and sobbing uncontrollably, I didn't notice until now, I just hope Tsuzuki hasn't heard me. It is so hopeless, I want to tell him everything, I want to say I am sorry for all the times I hurt him and yelled at him. But if I do, I know I will get emotional and start crying… 

I think maybe I am pushing him away from me. We get distant. Even though we love each other, he is the only one who ever says it out loud; I never return his warm words. And I can imagine that he must be sad, and maybe one day he will stop loving me… I don't want that, because when that happens I know Muraki will stop visiting me and come to him instead. I can't let that happen even though it would be a relief to be spared… but I would rather take the pain and humiliation than know that the person I love so deeply will be paid a visit by Muraki.

I don't know what to do, if I tell Tsuzuki that I love him, I will start crying and tell him about Muraki, and I don't know how he will react. Maybe he will reject me. It must disgust him to know I have been "sleeping" with Muraki. Every night. He will be hurt. And I can't bear to see him like that.

I have to bite my pillow to silence myself, I am crying so hard it is difficult to breathe now.

…..

I hear a silent knock on the door, and then my love's voice.

"Tsuzuki?" 

He sounds odd. His voice is so different.

"Are you awake?"

Just the sound of his voice makes me feel warm.

"Yes Hisoka-chan, come in."

"…"

I get up from the bed and open the door for him. My heart aches as I see his face. He has been crying. 

"If you were sleeping I don't want to bother you… I…"

I interrupt him by taking him into a bear hug. "You never disturb me darling, what is wrong?"

He doesn't answer me, and I lead him to sit on my bed. He looks nervous, I know he is not comfortable in my bed. I don't know why, but he usually doesn't want to sit on it – much less lie in it.

"What is it dear, you have been crying?" I say and brush away his tears. I'd better start slowly, I don't want to push him; I don't want him to leave. He doesn't want to talk about it, but I can't bear to see him hurt like this, without knowing if I can do anything to help.

He just sits there; his eyes can't meet mine - he is still crying. I wonder what he is thinking about.

"Tsuzuki!" He throws himself into my arms and starts sobbing… now that was unexpected.

I wrap my arms protectively around him, and starts comforting him. I pull my blanket over his shoulders. He is crying hard. 

"Tsuzuki, I love you so much. Please, promise me you'll never leave me." He is whispering the words out, as if he is afraid someone else will hear them.

"Why should I leave you, I love you." I gently grab his chin and move his head upwards to meet his eyes.

"I am sorry, I have been so rude to you. Can you forgive me?" 

What a stupid question. I know he has problems just like I do, and he needs time… I can understand that. And he is always there when I need to tell him what bothers me. When Muraki is going at me Hisoka always listens carefully, and he is so understanding. 

"What are you talking about, there is nothing to forgive."

"You are always so kind and wants to help me, but I scream at you and…" 

"Don't think about it."

"But I want you to know that even though I treat you so bad I…"

"I know you love me."

"…"

"But I appreciate that you tell me. As long as we are honest with each other everything will be fine." I smile. 

He seeks my embrace again, and rubs his cheek against my chest.

"I wish time would stop, and we could stay like this forever."

I kiss his forehead and smile at him. He looks into my eyes and leans forward to kiss me. We share a long deep moment. I gently push him down into the bed. He immediately stiffens, but I give him a warm smile. 

"Don't worry, just go to sleep, you look tired." 

He is whimpering softly, but I wont let him leave, not now. I can feel he needs my comfort. So I pull the blanket over him and draw him into my arms. 

"I love you so much Hisoka, and I will never leave you." 

"How can you love me, I don't know if I deserve your love."

"Don't say that. I will always love you no matter what. Do you understand?"

Hisoka kisses me again and curls up against my chest.

"You know you can tell me everything. And I am there for you."

"…" 

"Good night Hisoka."

"…"

"Tsuzuki – I think I will sleep in my own room, I…"

"No you don't, you'll stay right here. I wont let you sleep alone. You need comfort." I smile and tuck the blanket around him.

"Good night Hisoka, don't worry, if you have a nightmare I will wake you up."

"Thank you, goodnight Tsuzuki-chan."

I know something is bothering him. Tears are still running down his cheek. There is something he isn't telling me… but I won't push him any further. He is not relaxing, but I kiss him again and take his hand holding it tight. 

Too bad. I was close this time – I can feel it. He almost told me… but I have got time, and if that is what he needs, I will give him all the time he wants. I wish he would tell me right now though, so I could help him. He is ruining himself - trying to deal with his problems himself, he doesn't want to bother me… he is so sweet. I don't want to see him suffer, without being able to help him - it hurts so much.

…

"Tsuzuki?"

"Yes love?"

"There is something I want to tell you…"

END


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